Always Learning

 Since, I've had quite a lot of free time during this pandemic I've had a lot of time to reflect on things. Sure losing friends both figuratively and actually has aided the process. Lord knows I have spent many nights lying awake wondering what the hell is going on? Why do so many people have to suffer? Why do I have to suffer? But then I think about my friends family and how they'll never seem him again. Or how his son will now grow up without a father. 

You see that's the thing with depression, it works like an avalanche. it starts off with just a thought and then two, then three. Next thing you know you are grasping for air because at that very moment millions of things are pushing you under. I have to fight to get a thought in my head. Nights can be pretty lonely when the avalanche comes.

Then you wake up and it's the next day. Not really sure what time I actually fell asleep, but I know I need to get moving. So I walk to the kitchen, see the mess, take a puff of Copper Chem, yell and scream for 30 mins., jam to Apple Hair Metal station, take another puff of Copper Chem and bang out the dishes. 1 hour later kitchen mess is gone and only remaining effect of outburst is how shitty I feel. 

Sure it's great that I get a lot of shit done. But the lingering effects on my health is what I am concerned about. I always end up feeling worn out. It's gotten to the point that it's like clock work, something small and not worth it, sets off the explosion. Maybe this is the daytime version of the avalanche at night. The good news is I have learned what gets me through the explosion, now if I could just learn how to muffle the explosion. Baby steps right?

OK, so as promised here are some pics from yesterday's smoke. Didn't come out nearly as good as normal, because I was out of something that I didn't know I was out of until it was to late. Family said it was good, but I think the were just being nice, and didn't want to set me off. It sucks that my family sometimes feels like they have to walk on egg shells. 

So, normally I would not have all of these chicken wings in one pan. However, pans were the things that were used and not replaced, so I made do with what I had. Then I coated in rub and put chunks of butter on top. I should have known things were going to be off when I didn't have my pans, but then on one of the coldest days I have smoked (only been doing it for 8 months) my smoker was hovering around 380-390. Which is way to hot, so instead of

smoking for 4 hours, it was done in 2. When my super hero wife got home from my daughters soccer practice I threw them in the air fryer to crisp them up for her. She seemed happy, so I'm happy. On the outside...

Inside I'm running through everything I did wrong, and how stupid I am, and how I can't even get chicken right, etc... Few hours later a not so big deal sets off another explosion and the cycle repeats itself. So my mission is to figure out how to stop the explosion. 

Thanks for reading.