Depression Is A B*TCH!

 Hey, so like I said I have no clue where this blog is going to bare with me. 2020 has absolutely sent my world into turmoil, and for someone who was already suffering from depression and anxiety, well it has presented a whole new set or circumstances and responses.

2/7/2020 Gettyburgh, Pa. 

The week after my 20th Anniversary, in February I suffered a few minor heart attacks and then pretty much exactly a month later we went into a state wide lock down for the Covid-19 Pandemic. Honestly, thank g-d for legalized medicinal marijuana, not sure I'd still be here to write this. Ok, so if we are keeping score, we have depression and anxiety with a fresh case of high risk and pre-existing conditions. Like I said, I honestly think if it wasn't for medicinal marijuana, I wouldn't be here (but more about that another time).

I'm sure my story is very similar to many through out this country, or even the world. A middle aged man, suddenly having to figure out what he wants to do with the rest of his life. Give me a shout if you/re in the same boat.  Now where we may differ is I'm very fortunate to have an amazingly selfless wife who is a Nurse. She consistently puts the needs of others above her own health (even though I yell at her). So part of what I have discovered about myself is that I am ok with my wife being the main bread winner and being the support personnel. Fortunately, I have been given a great example of just that phenomenon with the election of out very first female Vice President. I don't want this post to turn into a political post, but let me just say Doug Emhoff is showing exactly what it means to be a  man backing an incredibly strong woman in Kamala Harris. I am extremely proud of what my wife does and what she has accomplished during the pandemic. I mean come on, finishing your bachelors degree (2nd in the class at the moment, but challenging for 1st) all while working and supporting a family!!! I am one lucky man!

4/5/2020 Lockdown Theme Dinner

So my 2020 hasn't really been to bad I guess right? Well, let's not forget I haven't worked since March, a second shut down is looming and the dreaded holiday season is upon us, This time of year is always very difficult on me with my depression. I don't know what it is? My family actually calls me a grinch. This year I'm fighting really hard. I don't know if you can tell from how I am typing, but I tensed up as I was writing this. Come on Stu, fight........ Well something good did also happen in February, my daughter's best friend has come to live with us and we have become her legal guardians. Not going to get into the personal stuff, those that know the story, know the story. Needless to say this girl has had a rough couple of years, so my wife and I decided to celebrate Christmas with her and combine the holidays. We normally celebrate Channukah.

Oh yeah, how could I forget the elephant in the room. Good old Covid-19, which whether directly or indirectly took 3 people from me so far, while having two very close friends currently in the hospital fighting the disease and their daughter at home fighting it as well. Top it all off with a big old dose of frustration because a large part of the population is not following the CDC guidelines (I understand they have flip flopped so many times that it is difficult to know who to trust.) and traveling all over the country, while I follow the rules and don't get to see my parents, my wife's family or my sister and her kids. So the numbers just go up and up and all I see is people worrying about themselves and not the common good. Gee, wonder where they get that from? I told you the struggle with depression is real. So far what you are seeing in this long rambling post (I promise there is a point in here somewhere) with what my brain deals with from the moment I open my eyes in the morning, which is usually much earlier then it needs to be (before my wife has to wake up).

Oh and let me just say I absolutely hate wearing a mask when I am out for several reasons. Even though I know it is necessary for the time being. No it is not an infringement on your rights! I should be allowed to go to the store the same as you. I should not have to worry about someone standing right on top of me. Come on, I'm a big guy! You can clearly see me!! Yet I see people out and about daily without a mask or wearing it improperly. Wear it, don't wear it, either way stay the f*ck away from me. Give this wide load the space he needs, Seriously?!?! Most of you are lucky, you get to wear a mask that goes over your ear, but no, not me!!! I have this "birth mark" on my ear, that every time I wear something over it, it gets aggravated and scabs. Yes, I've had it checked and they didn't seem concerned. I don't know what to say, anytime I wear a regular strap mask it aggravates it, so I wear a gaiter. But when I've been in the hospital wearing that, they give me a hard time and tell me they won't come in the same room as me. They even went as far to complain how rude I was (because I said I could not put on the mask they were requiring me to) to my wife after she left her job of taking care of her patient for 10 hours a day to relieve me when I was at the hospital with one of our daughters. How sad is that? Our nurses our stressed to the point that they bitch and complain about me a mask wearing man in the hospital ER with his 16 year old daughter, because his wife is working 10-12 hours a day 5-6 days a week. See what I did there, I'm not mad at the nurses. They are only doing there job under horribly streessful conditions. DAMN IT!!!! See that's not what I wanted this post to be, but the darkness took hold. Let me go smoke a bowl and calm down and see if I can get back on track. Stay tuned... The Beatles came on Pandora.....