A New Me

I know, I know I have said this before. I hope that it is different this time, but that is part of my problem. I lack confidence in myself. I’ve started and stopped things so many times I cannot count any more. So what makes me think this time it will be any different.

Funny thing is that part of this change happened because I was thrown in 30 Day Facebook Jail for the 2nd time within days of just getting out of Facebook Jail. You would think that I would learn from these mistakes after the first time. Nope, made a stupid comment and got thrown right back in. So that is why it has been so quiet from me lately. 

Don’t worry my silence hasn’t been for naught. I actually semi-listened to a friend of mine who said I should just take a break from Facebook (Thanks J!). So while I did not take a complete break (hence Swayne The Swock). Not having the ability to like things on Facebook, my feed started to change. I guess weeding out all of the negative people from my life has finally paid dividends.

The downside to not being able to post on Facebook was in the beginning I felt like I had lost my voice. Another downside is not being able to like Pages and join Groups. All of these things are hard habits to break, when you have been attached to your phone for the last few years.

I don’t know when my depression started, but after doing some serious work with my Therapist, we have finally started to figure out where some of these issues have come from. Now bare with me I’m going to get a bit personal here. For instance growing up I always said I didn’t care what people thought of me. I tried to portray that attitude towards everything I did. Back in high school I was what you would have called a metal head. I had long hair, wore ripped jeans, concert shirts and jean jackets with the sleeves cut off. I thought I was so cool. Well one day a friend of mine noticed that people were laughing at me as I walked into class. To which he said, “well maybe if you dressed nicer, they’d leave you alone.”

My response? “Well if you don’t like the way I look, don’t f’n look at me.” Now at the time I was just a dumb high school kid who had never heard of Dr. Wayne Dyer who said something similar. “What you think of me is none of my business.” I would repeatedly say this mantra later in life, but I don’t think I ever really believed it. Well that is not entirely true. I know that I meant it way back then.

So when did things change? Well I think it happened right during the last couple of years both during and after college. I noticed that by Junior year of college I was beginning to lose my hair. You see in college I was perpetually late. Which meant that I pulled my hair back and put a hat on. Well it turns out that the constant pulling, lack of air and sun from the hat and family genetics led me to being uncomfortably balding at twenty-two or twenty three years old.

I spent lots of time and money on finding a solution to this problem. I was also spending an exorbitant amount on name brand clothes and scents. When did I become this person? How did this change occur? More importantly, why did I become this way and how do I fix it?

That brings me to Crystal Healing and Reiki. So as I mentioned earlier during my 54 days of Facebook jail, I have been doing a lot of self exploring. I believe that we are all beings of energy. That has been proven by science. So then it would make sense that the energy inside us can be manipulated. 

If you know anything about me, you know that when I start something I dive in head first and try to completely immerse myself in it and that is exactly what I have done. It started with a silly Facebook (tell me again how they aren’t listening) quiz to find out if my chakras are blocked. Of course it said all of them were blocked and then tried to sell me a course that would help me clear them.

This is where my journalism background kicks in and I start digging and digging. So much to learn, it actually got a little overwhelming. What I was able to find out is that a Reiki Healer can unblock your chakra, so then I was on a quest to find a Healer. Luckily that weekend we had planned a trip to the PA Renaissance Faire which happened to have a Reiki Healer.

I was happy to learn from her that my Crown and Thirdeye (Your spiritual chakras, coincidence? I think not.) were open, but my other 5, Throat, Heart, Solar Plexus, Sacral and Root were all blocked. Now, I’m not going to go into any other personal details, but most of what she was advising me about was right on and fit exactly with what I had been working on with my therapist. In fact when I went back to my therapist to discuss my experience he wasn’t surprised I had made a breakthrough and even liked some of the advice the Healer gave me.

Well let me just tell you, in the 10 days since the PA REN Faire, I feel like my creative juices have been busted wide open. I’ve read one and a half books on crystal healing. I’ve completed 6 Weeks of a Creative Writing Certificate Program with Wesleyan University. Which is helping me write and actually complete my very first novel. I’ve also completed 1 and a half Modules of a 4 Module Crystal Healing Certificate Program. Come to think of it, I can’t remember the last time I felt this way and I believe it is from a combination of both Western and Eastern Medicine.

As I said to my therapist the last time we spoke, the fog is still there, but it is beginning to lift. I am starting to see objects through the fog.

Woah There Nellie

 So yeah, after the events of this week any Zen I had is completely gone. So much so that my nerves are completely fried, I’ve kinda stayed stoned during the day to not deal with the stress of what happened on Wednesday. I even started writing this post from my phone because I am too lazy to get up.

So, Wednesday January 6, 2021 a new date that will live in infamy. Not since the war of 1812 had our capital been stormed. Think about that. In over 200 years. All because an idiot refuses to accept that he lost. I’ve tried to keep politics off my blog, but when someone does something that affects me I have a right to respond. His decision to tell his followers to march down to the capital. Saying he was going too. And his crony lawyer saying trial by combat. What did you think was going to happen? That act sent me and many people, even those who don’t suffer, into a deep, dark place. The kind a lot of people don’t come back from. Trust me I feel the hands trying to pull me down. I’m not a restless person, far from it. I used to consider myself a lazy person. But now I’m on edge and I think a lot of people feel the same way.

I think what scared me the most about the situation is how many people are ok with what happened. Or the ones who say will BLM burned down city blocks during the summer. But you see to the average American the two aren’t even close to the same thing. Both are wrong! One was an assault on racial injustice. The other a domestic terror attack on the United States Capital! Wake up! Sorry!

On the bright side I have out my restless energy into a project I’ve been meaning to tackle at home. I cleaned out our foyer closet which is part of a larger project to turn our kitchen/dining room into a great room. With 7 people living in the house 1 fridge/freezer was just not enough, so we purchased a spare (now I can stock up on meat when I see it on sale) fridge freezer and I put it in the closet next to the pantry. As luck would have it there is already an outlet in the closet (go figure), so I don’t have to use a long extension cord. This is one less thing that I have to do when we start the kitchen redo. Now I just need to finish going through the crap I pulled out of the closet. I’ll finish off the closet when we are doing the kitchen.

Added bonus I found my Black Belt and a hat I had been looking for. But, now my dining room is a mess. Guess you win some and you lose some.

Worked Very Hard For This

Zenuation

 Hahaha, get it Zenutation? I combined Zen and continuation, oh never mind. So today I sat down to do a post over on StooBBQ about my chili recipe. Yes I was actually going to share my World Un-famous Chili recipe, but Super Hero Supporter, was just calling my name. I'm guessing my brain had something to say, but at the moment I'm not quite sure what it is. So I'll just type until something comes out. Hopefully it makes sense.

I saw a sad story on The Today Show about Tommy Raskin. His father, a member of the US House of Representatives. This bright young mind, lost his battle with depression on New Year's Eve Day. Leaving a note saying, "Please forgive me. My illness won today. Please look after each other, the animals, and the global poor for me. All my love, Tommy". Now I don't know this guy, nor do I know his family, but hearing those words on TV shook me. I actually had to stop what I was doing (making my bed) and catch myself. It literally knocked the wind out of me. 

Can't wait to redo our kitchen

So of course what do I do when I need a release, well now I clean (my mom is completely stunned). Day 5 in the Facebook group is give the coffee maker a good cleaning. So that is what I did. I started by collecting all of the trash and taking it out to the curb, then I moved on to giving the Keurig a good cleaning, next thing I know dishwasher is loaded and running, sink full with more to go in. Counters cleaned and wiped down. Once first load of dishes are done, I'll empty and reload it. BUT, what I think is funny is that I am now doing the things I ask my lazy teenagers to do and not wait for them to do it. Except bathrooms, I won't touch their's! Which, I used to yell at my super hero wife not to do, because she would get angry at me that they weren't doing it. Well not no more baby!!! I am leading by example.

Example, this morning I woke up and saw their bathroom completely destroyed!!! So what I do? revoked their access to said bathroom. That's right I locked the door and I am the only one who has a key. A lot of money was spent fixing up that bathroom and I am going to be damned if I am going to let them trash it. Hahaha guess I did have something to say. Guess we'll find out how locking the bathroom goes as the days go on...

I Think I Found My Zen

The Finished Product

 Hey, so that's right I think I found my zen. The last 3 days I've been a cooking machine. More like a cooking and cleaning machine. First my super hero wife invited me to the cleaning Facebook group hosted by my sister, that has gotten me cleaning my kitchen on a daily basis. It bothered me so much that my kitchen was a mess that, after doing the cleaning challenge for the group (the microwave) using this amazing cloth and water. I decided to wipe down the counters again, sweep the floor and then mop the floor. Next thing I know our first Christmas tree is out the back door and on the side of the house. I somehow fixed the vacuum and vacuumed up all the pine needles and fake snow. 

I'm telling you I have no idea what happened. I didn't get a lot of sleep as per usual, but I actually had a more restful sleep then I have had in a long time. So whatever I am doing, it seems to be working. Saturday night I made a roast (no I did not smoke it, but I did put my own spin on it. Unfortunately, I didn't get it until late in the afternoon so I did not have the time to fully cook it. Sorry I didn't take any pictures. Sunday I used the left over roast and onions to make my Non-worldwide or locally famous chili. As well as using the potatoes and onion as part of a hearty brunch. I'll share the unofficial recipe over on my other page StooBBQ.

Gala Apples and Water

Today I started by making some homemade sugar free apple sauce, because my super hero's weakness is sugar. So we need to get our health back on track. I gotchu babe!! Then I moved onto something I had purchased a month or two ago, because we are always looking for good keto products (maybe we become keto testers?). My super hero's other weakness is cinnamon rolls. The girls loves them! The girl can't have them! So guess I'm learning to bake. 

I'm sure if I really wanted to I could come up with my own recipe for it, but I have to admit the using the Keto Bakes Cinnamon Rolls product was very convenient. Like a good budding keto blogger I took a picture of everything along the way. Instructions were very easy to follow and hey did you know that butter sticks and cream cheese bricks have measurements on them? That is so cool!!!!

The Starting Five

So I followed everything to the letter and even added my own twist. Instead of using regular water I used the water I cooked the apples in for my homemade apple sauce. The best part is I put my new headphones on and danced around and sang to good old classic rock radio on Apple Music. Yes I have come to grips with the fact that I am old. However I don't have to be a grumpy old man.

I dumped the ingredients in to the bowl and added the additional ingredients. I have now determined that I need a hand mixer, because mixing by hand isn't a lot of fun when you have a bad shoulder on one side and elbow tendinitis in the mixing hand. Not sure my super hero is going to be so happy having to keep buying all this stuff for me, but she is sure going to eat good and healthy. I too need to eat healthier, so I guess it's good that I am cooking the food now. 

Top of the pic is the cinnamon roll mix Keto Bakes sends, on the left is the icing package and on the right is the cinnamon package to make the filling. I add 2 tbs. of melted (should have been very soft) butter, 3 tbs. of Apple Water, 3 tbs. of Heavy Cream, 1 tbs. ACV and 3 eggs to the mix from Keto Bakes. Completely off topic (and I know it probably doesn't belong in this paragraph, but I'm not operating under profession grammar rules), but finding my Zen over these past 3 days has really made me think. In  my search of what's next for my life one of the things I a looking for is happiness in what I am doing. So when thinking about how at ease I seem to be when I am in the kitchen I recall that I actually have spent a large portion of my youth and young adult life working in restaurants. Maybe my son got his love for cooking from me, I just didn't know it. Or maybe seeing him do it rekindled it in me. Either way all I know is lately the kitchen now seems to be my happy place. Who knew??? Now trust me I know that singing and dancing in my kitchen is a whole lot different then cooking in a restaurant. I don't know it's something to think about... Anyway...

Once mixed the all the ingredients, I let sit for 5 or so minutes (forgot to set a timer). Then I placed the now keto cinnamon roll dough into a rectangle shape on a piece of Saran Wrap (using water to keep my hands wet so the dough wouldn't stick, I never knew that trick) and smeared the cinnamon mixture on to the dough. Now came the tough part and something I never in my life thought I would be doing. I used the Saran Wrap to slowly roll the dough so the the cinnamon filling is in a few layers of the roll. Again this is all completely new to me and I am learning as I go, but I feel the more I do it the better and more comfortable I will get. You can't tell from the picture, but the dough was to thick, so I didn't get as many swirls as I would have liked. Oh well I'll know for next time.

Get Your Minds Out Of The Gutter!

Once rolled it was time to cut the rolls into slices, another place I need improvement. So mixing, shaping, rolling and cutting all need work. Pretty much everything to do with cooking. Hahaha! It was supposed to make 9 rolls, I some how ended up with 12. Ooops! Then I placed it on a large baking tray with a sheet of parchment paper on it. I don't want my amazing creation to stick. Then it's into a preheated to 350 degrees oven for 23-26 minutes. I recommend checking on it at the 20 minute mark and keeping an eye on it from that point on. I feel they got a little to well done at the 24 minutes for my liking.

Before Icing

Overall I am very happy with how they came out and should my super hero wife like them I can say I will probably be buying them again. I even reached out to them about them offering an affiliate program. So there's that. I'm definitely going to be looking into finding my zen and  the kitchen being my new happy place. I'm curious to see how long it actually lasts. I know my pattern, I tend to start strong and then lose interest after a while. Like I did with learning to play guitar at the beginning of lock down. Until next time... I gotta say Today was a good day.

It's Gotta Get Better Right?

 Hey, so I couldn't let this horrific year end without doing a last post. But it's not going to the type of post you are expecting. Although every thing in me is screaming to exploded, I want to go into the new year on a positive note. I can use all the positive vibes (we all can use the positive vibes). So this post isn't going to be complaining about anything or ranting and raving. This post is going to be about accomplishments and learning.

So I had another follow up with the mental health laison. Who confirmed with me that I seem to be getting grasp on when I'm about to have an explosion. Of course she was a little worried about how low I sank Christmas Eve, but we both agreed that the medicine is still new, so it takes time for it to fully kick in. I did notice that in that past it would have taken me much longer to recover from such a low point. I mean we are talking days and days. So maybe the additional meds help me bounce back much quicker.

I still know that I need to speak to someone on a more regular basis, but you know how the world kind of shuts down during the holidays. Maybe more so this year as people are just pushed to their limits. I also know that I still need methods to release the frustration and/or anger. Obviously writing has become somewhat of an outlet. Unfortunately I never know when I am going to have something to say. I'm not trying to make it sound like I have some kind of super power, as not many people have ever read my ramblings (I do hope to change that). I've always had the talent to write, just never found the right mentor. 

I'm starting to wonder if that is why I am having trouble trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Deep down, I've always wanted to write, but I've never fit into any specific genre. My training is in Journalism, but I barely graduated and only took that major because I was advised by an Associate Producer of the morning show I worked for while in college. Funny how things change in college. Started Pre-Law, then changed to Journalism, but really wanted to work in radio. So much so that I worked at WMMR for free (not even college credit) for 2 years. I used to have to arrive at the station at 5 AM, 3 days a week. It was AWESOME!!!!!!  So by nature I am a creative person with a creative brain, with no real method.

2020, sucked!!!! So that brings us to 2021. I hope you all have a Happy, Healthy and Prosperous 2021. I hope you come back and stay with me on this journey. Until next year....

Blue Christmas

 Two more days, two more nights of very little sleep. Definitely starting to get the feeling that it does have a very strong correlation with my mood. I'm trying it with an app that a counselor recommended. Yesterday was bad and the night before was even worse. Drove off from home, while not being of right mind (something I take very seriously and am very disappointed in myself) and was contemplating some not so good things. Fortunately I do not and will not make a plan, so that's a great thing!!! Was nearly brought to tears on several occasions yesterday for no apparent reason and my instant anger over the most menial things. So there's still that...

That, however was not what I wanted this post to be about. While getting my super hero wife's chariot inspected by a Kenpo buddy's shop, he was doing me a huge favor of giving me a ride back to the car when it's done. Having not seen him in quite a while, ya know due to the pandemic and us both not training anymore, we get to catching up. Conversation turns to why I'm not driving and then my current battle with depression. Turns out I do a very good job of hiding it. Both him and his son (whom I also trained with) never knew I suffered from depression. In fact it was quite the opposite. He always viewed me as the large personality and even used the word "jolly". I guess if my beard was grey I could pass as Santa.

It just drove home the fact that you never do know who is quietly suffering. Depression is a silent killer and can effect any person, of any race, of any size. It doesn't matter who you are. So during this heightened stressful time maybe choose your words more carefully. You never know those words could be the straw that broke the camels back and pushes someone over the edge. I know I have to be especially aware of this, because in my current state of mind, harsh words seem to come out a lot, even if not meant. My brain is just in a dark place and I seem to want others there with me.

On the bright side we ended the night with watching a movie as a family, playing games and laughing up a storm, so I went to bed very happy and content and woke up in a ok mood. Definitely not as dark as yesterday, so that's good. Looking forward to another fun night with the family tonight. Have a good one and make sure you hug your loved ones. There are people out there who can't now because everyone believed a TV Personality turned Dictator. Sorry....

Stay Tuned

So before I go back and finish my Chicken Taco post over on StooBBQ.com, I wanted to share the other side of the cook, while it is fresh in my head. Yesterday was as stress free day as a day can get for me. Yes I am still having trouble staying a sleep. Hopefully this holiday weekend I can get some restful and rejuvenating sleep.

Anyway, I think the smoothness of the cook had a lot to do with making a plan for the cook. As you can see from the post mention above, I moved from one thing to another and never got behind or had to play catch up. When you start speeding up your process, mistakes get made. I'm really starting to enjoy the whole process of cooking a meal, start to finish. Yes that means I actually like cleaning up afterwards. Yesterday was the very first time in the 20 years of living in my house that the meal has been cleaned up directly after preparing the meal. I even pointed it out to my son, who is pretty much the king of making a mess in the kitchen. He's a big pain in the ass, but I love him anyway.

Maybe I am on to something. When I practiced martial arts, I always called the dojo my happy place. Didn't matter what I was doing, even if I was asked to do demo or a table, it didn't matter. I loved doing it! It all came down to that moment when a student got that look in there eye that they understood what you were teaching, It didn't matter how old they were, you could always tell when they "got it". The dojo was my other home and when it was abruptly taken away. Well, let's just leave it at that. 

So maybe my BBQ Pit and by extension my kitchen have become my happy place. Just instead of knowing when someone gets it, Now it's watching their reaction when they taste my food. I was good at martial arts. I worked at it a lot, even tried to make a career out of it. Sure I've sold a few plates here and there. I'm not kidding myself and thinking I am currently more than a backyard amateur chef. Currently...

Stay tuned...