It's Gotta Get Better Right?

 Hey, so I couldn't let this horrific year end without doing a last post. But it's not going to the type of post you are expecting. Although every thing in me is screaming to exploded, I want to go into the new year on a positive note. I can use all the positive vibes (we all can use the positive vibes). So this post isn't going to be complaining about anything or ranting and raving. This post is going to be about accomplishments and learning.

So I had another follow up with the mental health laison. Who confirmed with me that I seem to be getting grasp on when I'm about to have an explosion. Of course she was a little worried about how low I sank Christmas Eve, but we both agreed that the medicine is still new, so it takes time for it to fully kick in. I did notice that in that past it would have taken me much longer to recover from such a low point. I mean we are talking days and days. So maybe the additional meds help me bounce back much quicker.

I still know that I need to speak to someone on a more regular basis, but you know how the world kind of shuts down during the holidays. Maybe more so this year as people are just pushed to their limits. I also know that I still need methods to release the frustration and/or anger. Obviously writing has become somewhat of an outlet. Unfortunately I never know when I am going to have something to say. I'm not trying to make it sound like I have some kind of super power, as not many people have ever read my ramblings (I do hope to change that). I've always had the talent to write, just never found the right mentor. 

I'm starting to wonder if that is why I am having trouble trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Deep down, I've always wanted to write, but I've never fit into any specific genre. My training is in Journalism, but I barely graduated and only took that major because I was advised by an Associate Producer of the morning show I worked for while in college. Funny how things change in college. Started Pre-Law, then changed to Journalism, but really wanted to work in radio. So much so that I worked at WMMR for free (not even college credit) for 2 years. I used to have to arrive at the station at 5 AM, 3 days a week. It was AWESOME!!!!!!  So by nature I am a creative person with a creative brain, with no real method.

2020, sucked!!!! So that brings us to 2021. I hope you all have a Happy, Healthy and Prosperous 2021. I hope you come back and stay with me on this journey. Until next year....

Blue Christmas

 Two more days, two more nights of very little sleep. Definitely starting to get the feeling that it does have a very strong correlation with my mood. I'm trying it with an app that a counselor recommended. Yesterday was bad and the night before was even worse. Drove off from home, while not being of right mind (something I take very seriously and am very disappointed in myself) and was contemplating some not so good things. Fortunately I do not and will not make a plan, so that's a great thing!!! Was nearly brought to tears on several occasions yesterday for no apparent reason and my instant anger over the most menial things. So there's still that...

That, however was not what I wanted this post to be about. While getting my super hero wife's chariot inspected by a Kenpo buddy's shop, he was doing me a huge favor of giving me a ride back to the car when it's done. Having not seen him in quite a while, ya know due to the pandemic and us both not training anymore, we get to catching up. Conversation turns to why I'm not driving and then my current battle with depression. Turns out I do a very good job of hiding it. Both him and his son (whom I also trained with) never knew I suffered from depression. In fact it was quite the opposite. He always viewed me as the large personality and even used the word "jolly". I guess if my beard was grey I could pass as Santa.

It just drove home the fact that you never do know who is quietly suffering. Depression is a silent killer and can effect any person, of any race, of any size. It doesn't matter who you are. So during this heightened stressful time maybe choose your words more carefully. You never know those words could be the straw that broke the camels back and pushes someone over the edge. I know I have to be especially aware of this, because in my current state of mind, harsh words seem to come out a lot, even if not meant. My brain is just in a dark place and I seem to want others there with me.

On the bright side we ended the night with watching a movie as a family, playing games and laughing up a storm, so I went to bed very happy and content and woke up in a ok mood. Definitely not as dark as yesterday, so that's good. Looking forward to another fun night with the family tonight. Have a good one and make sure you hug your loved ones. There are people out there who can't now because everyone believed a TV Personality turned Dictator. Sorry....

Stay Tuned

So before I go back and finish my Chicken Taco post over on StooBBQ.com, I wanted to share the other side of the cook, while it is fresh in my head. Yesterday was as stress free day as a day can get for me. Yes I am still having trouble staying a sleep. Hopefully this holiday weekend I can get some restful and rejuvenating sleep.

Anyway, I think the smoothness of the cook had a lot to do with making a plan for the cook. As you can see from the post mention above, I moved from one thing to another and never got behind or had to play catch up. When you start speeding up your process, mistakes get made. I'm really starting to enjoy the whole process of cooking a meal, start to finish. Yes that means I actually like cleaning up afterwards. Yesterday was the very first time in the 20 years of living in my house that the meal has been cleaned up directly after preparing the meal. I even pointed it out to my son, who is pretty much the king of making a mess in the kitchen. He's a big pain in the ass, but I love him anyway.

Maybe I am on to something. When I practiced martial arts, I always called the dojo my happy place. Didn't matter what I was doing, even if I was asked to do demo or a table, it didn't matter. I loved doing it! It all came down to that moment when a student got that look in there eye that they understood what you were teaching, It didn't matter how old they were, you could always tell when they "got it". The dojo was my other home and when it was abruptly taken away. Well, let's just leave it at that. 

So maybe my BBQ Pit and by extension my kitchen have become my happy place. Just instead of knowing when someone gets it, Now it's watching their reaction when they taste my food. I was good at martial arts. I worked at it a lot, even tried to make a career out of it. Sure I've sold a few plates here and there. I'm not kidding myself and thinking I am currently more than a backyard amateur chef. Currently...

Stay tuned...

Mr. Mom

And we're back. Hey so I've decided that I'm going to revive this blog and make it about my struggles with depression and mental health in general. Obviously StooBBQ provided and outlet, but it was never supposed to be about what it became.

So with that said, I am happy to report that I am talking to someone about my problems and my GP added on a medicine to my existing happy pill to help. So far so good. I do feel I need to speak with a specialist about my anger issues, because it scares me. Unfortunately because of my martial arts training having a quick temper is not the best thing to have right now. So that is part of my fear of leaving the house. I go to the store, and come home and that's about it. That can't be healthy, but I am doing what I feel keeps me and my family safe.

Obviously from my last post on StooBBQ I had an axe to grind, but I think it actually did me a favor. It kind of forced me to declare my purpose. I'm Hero Support and proud of it. My ego is not hurting because my wife is shining. On the contrary, my ego is starting to climb back up, because I know none of it would be possible if we didn't work together. I'm her cheer leader, editor and motivator. I'm the one who gets her a drink or something to eat when she is staring at the computer screen finishing a test.

So where do we go from here? Well I'm going to keep cooking away and sharing my food. I'm going to immerse myself in books and classes and learn all I can about the art of food. On StooBBQ I'll share what and how I'm making it. Hopefully adding a few sponsors along the way. Over here I'll share what I was feeling before, during and after cooking the meal. Some days I'll only post there and some I'll only post here.

Hopefully you find it all entertains or interesting enough to stick around.

I'm OK

 Was blogging alot, but it stopped. Hope it wasn’t because I found another outlet. Either way, I guess I felt like I had something to say. First I want to start with bragging on my super hero. This woman while working 50-60 hours a week (I know I’ve said that a lot) and still managed to achieve Valedictorian. To me that is just fricken amazing. 

You see what my former friend and fraternity brother (yes I’ve dropped another one) doesn’t understand is I am ok with being the support personnel. I don’t need to be the big bread winner. Calm me lazy and undriven? That’s ok. My ego doesn’t need that kind of fluffing, I guess his does. My wife could accomplish some amazing things if given the chance and if me holding down the fort at home allows her the peace of mind to do that, then the world benefits. Nothing wrong with that. Did I lose my job because of the pandemic? Yes, and because of my health both mental and physical I am afraid to go back to work. I am not ashamed to have been collecting unemployment since March, because I lost my job through no fault of my own. My businesses and I have paid more into the system over the years then I have taken. Besides it’s not like I’m replacing my income. With I was driving Uber and Lyft I was making between $800 and $1000 a week after expenses. On unemployment I’m getting $195 a week. So there’s that...

More importantly my wife and I are ok with the arrangement we have and that is all that matters. My amazing wife is giving me the opportunity to figure out what my true passions are. She is also allowing me the time to get well. In the past I’ve let a lot of people down. I don’t plan on making the same mistakes. In my new role at hero support I will not fail.

It's Getting Better All The Time

 So I thought I should check in, considering the outpouring of support I received from my last post. I am happy to say I am in the process of getting help. With that said, that was not the reason for my absence the last few days. I'm happy to report that my super hero wife has only her finals left before she achieves her bachelors degree in Healthcare Administration, all while working 50-60 hours a week as a nurse during a worldwide pandemic. My wife really is a Wonder Woman!! Which is the long and boastful way of saying that she needed the laptop we share, so I couldn't post. But I am OK!

Like I said I have reached out to my primary to get the help I need. I never had a follow up appointment after my heart attacks in February. So it's time I start! There is no shame in feeling what I am feeling, the key is getting help. A friend of mine said I need to stay busy, which totally makes since. So I'm cooking again on Thursday for a good cause. I'm always happiest when the smoke is rolling.

This Thursday December 10th I'm delivering food to the Plymouth Meeting, PA area again and anywhere in between on my way back to Huntingdon Valley, PA. For every meal I sell, I'll give away a meal. Take a look at Thursday's Menu and please order by Tuesday at 11:00 pm, so I have time to get the needed supplies.

Message, Call, Text or Email to place your order.

Taming The Explosions

 So I’m starting this post the night before, because my super hero wife just threw something at me that I have to take some time to digest, literally. So back in September, the wife and I decided to take back our health. For a while it worked, During the month of September I lost 15 pounds, October I gained back 2 pounds. I gave up in November.

If I remember correctly September and October were largely explosion free months.  As I have mentioned before for some reason the holiday's is always a tough time for me. Not sure why, it's not like I have some major event that scarred me. For some reason the last 10 years or so, from November on, the holiday's have always gotten really dark for me. Obviously this year is exacerbated by the current state of our country and world.

So the question I have, is the the more easily provoked explosions this caused by the change in my eating? Or is it just that as the main stream media and all medical professionals have been saying "we are in for a dark winter", some obviously darker than others. So if I think back to August 31st, 2020 I weighed in at 292 lbs. which in and of itself is pretty impressive considering when lockdown started in March I was over 300 lbs. In fact I just looked at my app and on June 19th, 2020 I weighed in at 299.4 lbs.

End of September 282 lbs., end of October 280 lbs. and frustration is setting in. The Halloween happens, and I have no will power so of course I sit and eat piece after piece of candy. See the pattern developing? Anyway, so what do I do with this new information is the question. I'm going to be realistic and make adjustments where I can, limit the high carb beer like I did in September. Find ways again to make food I like healthy. After all StooBBQ did start out as a KETO BBQ site where I was "sharing my journey", boy did that take a turn.

Maybe how I eat does affect my mood. The last couple of days have really been a struggle for me. Anger reaching unhealthy levels over absolutely non earth shattering things. All though I will say that today I prevented an explosion, so I'm learning to sense when they are coming, so today instead of exploding, I quickly put my mind on a task that I had yet to finish today and by the time I was done I had calmed down. No explosion, only tightness in the chest to show from this one. So I guess that's good?

Oh and for the record today's weight is: ???

Rough Night

 So I guess before we go any further I should probably tell you about what I think was the final push that opened the flood gates on having something to say. And yet today the words are not flowing so easily, so please bare with me. Yesterday really did a number on me, had another explosion before bed. I don't know why it bothers me so much that my teenagers living here are so inconsiderate? Super hero wife (who only has a week and a half left in school before obtaining her bachelors degree and finishing 1st or 2nd in her class, all while working 50-60 hours a week, sorry for the run on sentence) even said to me last night that I shouldn't. My reply? "I can't help it and I don't know why?"

On the positive side I woke up this morning to a very sweet text from one of my daughters. Letting me know that she reads my blog and she is proud of me. Love you P! Thank you!

OK, back to the original point of this post, Country Ever After a show on Netflix.

Now, if you known me lately then you know I have been into Country music that last 5-6 years. I've talked extensively about wanting to move somewhere I have lots of land around me. Really getting sick of people, hence the Anxiety I feel when I have to leave the house. I know there is a lot of that going on out there. Honk if ya here me?!?!? 

Anyway, if you are like me and have lots of time on your hands and are looking for a really feel good, funny kinda show, take a look at this one. It's about Coffey Anderson his wife, Criscilla and their family. On season one they talk about her battle with stage 3 colon cancer and his independent music career. I don't know what it was, but something just connected me with the show. I felt really good when watching it and always had a smile on my face.

I was kind of bummed out when we finished watching the show (in like 3 or 4 days). But was very happy to see that by the end she was officially in remission. My super hero wife being a two time cervical cancer survivor I know that euphoric feeling of being told you are cancer free. I'll never forget that day, it was both a happy and sad days for the Janoff's. On one hand we were told that she was cancer free, but on the other hand we were told that it would be nearly impossible for us to have anymore children. Fortunately, we learned the G-d had other plans, right P?

Unfortunately I have learned that Criscilla cancer has returned a month after the show last filmed. Granted, I know that some time had passed since the show last filmed and when in November the cencer remerged. So, as you can see when I like something I dive into it. I've discovered I liked the dude's music even though I could do with out the Jesus stuff. However in my never ending quest to better myself and in light of the massive intolerance that is going on in our country right now, I've decided that I have to be more accepting of others religious beliefs. What I do know is that the love they have for each other, their family, friends and fans is incredible and it is something that the world needs much more of. So thank you Coffey Anderson for sharing you life with me. You help an east coast jewish city boy more then you will ever know.

Always Learning

 Since, I've had quite a lot of free time during this pandemic I've had a lot of time to reflect on things. Sure losing friends both figuratively and actually has aided the process. Lord knows I have spent many nights lying awake wondering what the hell is going on? Why do so many people have to suffer? Why do I have to suffer? But then I think about my friends family and how they'll never seem him again. Or how his son will now grow up without a father. 

You see that's the thing with depression, it works like an avalanche. it starts off with just a thought and then two, then three. Next thing you know you are grasping for air because at that very moment millions of things are pushing you under. I have to fight to get a thought in my head. Nights can be pretty lonely when the avalanche comes.

Then you wake up and it's the next day. Not really sure what time I actually fell asleep, but I know I need to get moving. So I walk to the kitchen, see the mess, take a puff of Copper Chem, yell and scream for 30 mins., jam to Apple Hair Metal station, take another puff of Copper Chem and bang out the dishes. 1 hour later kitchen mess is gone and only remaining effect of outburst is how shitty I feel. 

Sure it's great that I get a lot of shit done. But the lingering effects on my health is what I am concerned about. I always end up feeling worn out. It's gotten to the point that it's like clock work, something small and not worth it, sets off the explosion. Maybe this is the daytime version of the avalanche at night. The good news is I have learned what gets me through the explosion, now if I could just learn how to muffle the explosion. Baby steps right?

OK, so as promised here are some pics from yesterday's smoke. Didn't come out nearly as good as normal, because I was out of something that I didn't know I was out of until it was to late. Family said it was good, but I think the were just being nice, and didn't want to set me off. It sucks that my family sometimes feels like they have to walk on egg shells. 

So, normally I would not have all of these chicken wings in one pan. However, pans were the things that were used and not replaced, so I made do with what I had. Then I coated in rub and put chunks of butter on top. I should have known things were going to be off when I didn't have my pans, but then on one of the coldest days I have smoked (only been doing it for 8 months) my smoker was hovering around 380-390. Which is way to hot, so instead of

smoking for 4 hours, it was done in 2. When my super hero wife got home from my daughters soccer practice I threw them in the air fryer to crisp them up for her. She seemed happy, so I'm happy. On the outside...

Inside I'm running through everything I did wrong, and how stupid I am, and how I can't even get chicken right, etc... Few hours later a not so big deal sets off another explosion and the cycle repeats itself. So my mission is to figure out how to stop the explosion. 

Thanks for reading.

I Officially Feel Old

So as I sat down to write today's post really having no idea where it was going, my super hero wife asked me to put music on. In the kind of mood I've been in due to recent events I have been listening to Classic Rock Radio on Apple iTunes a lot lately. Now when I think of Classic Rock, I think of Led Zeppelin, Eagles, Rolling Stones, Beatles, etc... Not Guns and Roses! So by my insane reasoning if Guns and Roses is considered Classic Rock, than I am officially old! F*CK!!!!

When the hell did this happen? Yes, I know I have been married for more than 20 years. Yes I know that the hair I had on the top of my head, has now moved to my face. And yes, I have seen the size of Axel Rose recently. But come on, it seems like it was just yesterday that they were running across the stage. 

So as I mentioned on Facebook, the wife wanted me to fire up the smoker this week. 

What can I say the girl loves my cooking. So as a good gentleman does, when my baby wants me to cook I cook. Got the wings and drums defrost/brining for a few hours, pull them out and dry them off. I'll then coat them in rub and throw'em in the smoker. Let'em eat smoke for 3-4 hours, pull them out at 165 degree and air fry them up to get them crispy. Speaking of which I need to go start my fire for my smoker while I get the chicken prepped. I'll include pics of what I'm doing and how it comes out. 

Like I said, I don't know where this blog is going, maybe it's just an outlet? Maybe it helps someone? Hopefully it helps me. I don't know if anyone is actually reading these ramblings. Well, that is not entirely true. I know my super hero wife reads them, because she said it helped her understand what I am going through a little bit more. To someone who doesn't have that eternal fight going on inside their head, they just can't know. So maybe me sharing my struggle does serve a purpose. With that said, it's time to go make some chicken.....So as I sat down to write today's post really having no idea where it was going, my super hero wife asked me to put music on. In the kind of mood I've been in due to recent events I have been listening to Classic Rock Radio on Apple iTunes a lot lately. Now when I think of Classic Rock, I think of Led Zeppelin, Eagles, Rolling Stones, Beatles, etc... Not Guns and Roses! So by my insane reasoning if Guns and Roses is considered Classic Rock, than I am officially old! F*CK!!!!

When the hell did this happen? Yes, I know I have been married for more than 20 years. Yes I know that the hair I had on the top of my head, has now moved to my face. And yes, I have seen the size of Axel Rose recently. But come on, it seems like it was just yesterday that they were running across the stage. 

So as I mentioned on Facebook, the wife wanted me to fire up the smoker this week. 

What can I say the girl loves my cooking. So as a good gentleman does, when my baby wants me to cook I cook. Got the wings and drums defrost/brining for a few hours, pull them out and dry them off. I'll then coat them in rub and throw'em in the smoker. Let'em eat smoke for 3-4 hours, pull them out at 165 degree and air fry them up to get them crispy. Speaking of which I need to go start my fire for my smoker while I get the chicken prepped. I'll include pics of what I'm doing and how it comes out. 

Like I said, I don't know where this blog is going, maybe it's just an outlet? Maybe it helps someone? Hopefully it helps me. I don't know if anyone is actually reading these ramblings. Well, that is not entirely true. I know my super hero wife reads them, because she said it helped her understand what I am going through a little bit more. To someone who doesn't have that eternal fight going on inside their head, they just can't know. So maybe me sharing my struggle does serve a purpose. With that said, it's time to go make some chicken.....