A New Me

I know, I know I have said this before. I hope that it is different this time, but that is part of my problem. I lack confidence in myself. I’ve started and stopped things so many times I cannot count any more. So what makes me think this time it will be any different.

Funny thing is that part of this change happened because I was thrown in 30 Day Facebook Jail for the 2nd time within days of just getting out of Facebook Jail. You would think that I would learn from these mistakes after the first time. Nope, made a stupid comment and got thrown right back in. So that is why it has been so quiet from me lately. 

Don’t worry my silence hasn’t been for naught. I actually semi-listened to a friend of mine who said I should just take a break from Facebook (Thanks J!). So while I did not take a complete break (hence Swayne The Swock). Not having the ability to like things on Facebook, my feed started to change. I guess weeding out all of the negative people from my life has finally paid dividends.

The downside to not being able to post on Facebook was in the beginning I felt like I had lost my voice. Another downside is not being able to like Pages and join Groups. All of these things are hard habits to break, when you have been attached to your phone for the last few years.

I don’t know when my depression started, but after doing some serious work with my Therapist, we have finally started to figure out where some of these issues have come from. Now bare with me I’m going to get a bit personal here. For instance growing up I always said I didn’t care what people thought of me. I tried to portray that attitude towards everything I did. Back in high school I was what you would have called a metal head. I had long hair, wore ripped jeans, concert shirts and jean jackets with the sleeves cut off. I thought I was so cool. Well one day a friend of mine noticed that people were laughing at me as I walked into class. To which he said, “well maybe if you dressed nicer, they’d leave you alone.”

My response? “Well if you don’t like the way I look, don’t f’n look at me.” Now at the time I was just a dumb high school kid who had never heard of Dr. Wayne Dyer who said something similar. “What you think of me is none of my business.” I would repeatedly say this mantra later in life, but I don’t think I ever really believed it. Well that is not entirely true. I know that I meant it way back then.

So when did things change? Well I think it happened right during the last couple of years both during and after college. I noticed that by Junior year of college I was beginning to lose my hair. You see in college I was perpetually late. Which meant that I pulled my hair back and put a hat on. Well it turns out that the constant pulling, lack of air and sun from the hat and family genetics led me to being uncomfortably balding at twenty-two or twenty three years old.

I spent lots of time and money on finding a solution to this problem. I was also spending an exorbitant amount on name brand clothes and scents. When did I become this person? How did this change occur? More importantly, why did I become this way and how do I fix it?

That brings me to Crystal Healing and Reiki. So as I mentioned earlier during my 54 days of Facebook jail, I have been doing a lot of self exploring. I believe that we are all beings of energy. That has been proven by science. So then it would make sense that the energy inside us can be manipulated. 

If you know anything about me, you know that when I start something I dive in head first and try to completely immerse myself in it and that is exactly what I have done. It started with a silly Facebook (tell me again how they aren’t listening) quiz to find out if my chakras are blocked. Of course it said all of them were blocked and then tried to sell me a course that would help me clear them.

This is where my journalism background kicks in and I start digging and digging. So much to learn, it actually got a little overwhelming. What I was able to find out is that a Reiki Healer can unblock your chakra, so then I was on a quest to find a Healer. Luckily that weekend we had planned a trip to the PA Renaissance Faire which happened to have a Reiki Healer.

I was happy to learn from her that my Crown and Thirdeye (Your spiritual chakras, coincidence? I think not.) were open, but my other 5, Throat, Heart, Solar Plexus, Sacral and Root were all blocked. Now, I’m not going to go into any other personal details, but most of what she was advising me about was right on and fit exactly with what I had been working on with my therapist. In fact when I went back to my therapist to discuss my experience he wasn’t surprised I had made a breakthrough and even liked some of the advice the Healer gave me.

Well let me just tell you, in the 10 days since the PA REN Faire, I feel like my creative juices have been busted wide open. I’ve read one and a half books on crystal healing. I’ve completed 6 Weeks of a Creative Writing Certificate Program with Wesleyan University. Which is helping me write and actually complete my very first novel. I’ve also completed 1 and a half Modules of a 4 Module Crystal Healing Certificate Program. Come to think of it, I can’t remember the last time I felt this way and I believe it is from a combination of both Western and Eastern Medicine.

As I said to my therapist the last time we spoke, the fog is still there, but it is beginning to lift. I am starting to see objects through the fog.

Woah There Nellie

 So yeah, after the events of this week any Zen I had is completely gone. So much so that my nerves are completely fried, I’ve kinda stayed stoned during the day to not deal with the stress of what happened on Wednesday. I even started writing this post from my phone because I am too lazy to get up.

So, Wednesday January 6, 2021 a new date that will live in infamy. Not since the war of 1812 had our capital been stormed. Think about that. In over 200 years. All because an idiot refuses to accept that he lost. I’ve tried to keep politics off my blog, but when someone does something that affects me I have a right to respond. His decision to tell his followers to march down to the capital. Saying he was going too. And his crony lawyer saying trial by combat. What did you think was going to happen? That act sent me and many people, even those who don’t suffer, into a deep, dark place. The kind a lot of people don’t come back from. Trust me I feel the hands trying to pull me down. I’m not a restless person, far from it. I used to consider myself a lazy person. But now I’m on edge and I think a lot of people feel the same way.

I think what scared me the most about the situation is how many people are ok with what happened. Or the ones who say will BLM burned down city blocks during the summer. But you see to the average American the two aren’t even close to the same thing. Both are wrong! One was an assault on racial injustice. The other a domestic terror attack on the United States Capital! Wake up! Sorry!

On the bright side I have out my restless energy into a project I’ve been meaning to tackle at home. I cleaned out our foyer closet which is part of a larger project to turn our kitchen/dining room into a great room. With 7 people living in the house 1 fridge/freezer was just not enough, so we purchased a spare (now I can stock up on meat when I see it on sale) fridge freezer and I put it in the closet next to the pantry. As luck would have it there is already an outlet in the closet (go figure), so I don’t have to use a long extension cord. This is one less thing that I have to do when we start the kitchen redo. Now I just need to finish going through the crap I pulled out of the closet. I’ll finish off the closet when we are doing the kitchen.

Added bonus I found my Black Belt and a hat I had been looking for. But, now my dining room is a mess. Guess you win some and you lose some.

Worked Very Hard For This

Zenuation

 Hahaha, get it Zenutation? I combined Zen and continuation, oh never mind. So today I sat down to do a post over on StooBBQ about my chili recipe. Yes I was actually going to share my World Un-famous Chili recipe, but Super Hero Supporter, was just calling my name. I'm guessing my brain had something to say, but at the moment I'm not quite sure what it is. So I'll just type until something comes out. Hopefully it makes sense.

I saw a sad story on The Today Show about Tommy Raskin. His father, a member of the US House of Representatives. This bright young mind, lost his battle with depression on New Year's Eve Day. Leaving a note saying, "Please forgive me. My illness won today. Please look after each other, the animals, and the global poor for me. All my love, Tommy". Now I don't know this guy, nor do I know his family, but hearing those words on TV shook me. I actually had to stop what I was doing (making my bed) and catch myself. It literally knocked the wind out of me. 

Can't wait to redo our kitchen

So of course what do I do when I need a release, well now I clean (my mom is completely stunned). Day 5 in the Facebook group is give the coffee maker a good cleaning. So that is what I did. I started by collecting all of the trash and taking it out to the curb, then I moved on to giving the Keurig a good cleaning, next thing I know dishwasher is loaded and running, sink full with more to go in. Counters cleaned and wiped down. Once first load of dishes are done, I'll empty and reload it. BUT, what I think is funny is that I am now doing the things I ask my lazy teenagers to do and not wait for them to do it. Except bathrooms, I won't touch their's! Which, I used to yell at my super hero wife not to do, because she would get angry at me that they weren't doing it. Well not no more baby!!! I am leading by example.

Example, this morning I woke up and saw their bathroom completely destroyed!!! So what I do? revoked their access to said bathroom. That's right I locked the door and I am the only one who has a key. A lot of money was spent fixing up that bathroom and I am going to be damned if I am going to let them trash it. Hahaha guess I did have something to say. Guess we'll find out how locking the bathroom goes as the days go on...

I Think I Found My Zen

The Finished Product

 Hey, so that's right I think I found my zen. The last 3 days I've been a cooking machine. More like a cooking and cleaning machine. First my super hero wife invited me to the cleaning Facebook group hosted by my sister, that has gotten me cleaning my kitchen on a daily basis. It bothered me so much that my kitchen was a mess that, after doing the cleaning challenge for the group (the microwave) using this amazing cloth and water. I decided to wipe down the counters again, sweep the floor and then mop the floor. Next thing I know our first Christmas tree is out the back door and on the side of the house. I somehow fixed the vacuum and vacuumed up all the pine needles and fake snow. 

I'm telling you I have no idea what happened. I didn't get a lot of sleep as per usual, but I actually had a more restful sleep then I have had in a long time. So whatever I am doing, it seems to be working. Saturday night I made a roast (no I did not smoke it, but I did put my own spin on it. Unfortunately, I didn't get it until late in the afternoon so I did not have the time to fully cook it. Sorry I didn't take any pictures. Sunday I used the left over roast and onions to make my Non-worldwide or locally famous chili. As well as using the potatoes and onion as part of a hearty brunch. I'll share the unofficial recipe over on my other page StooBBQ.

Gala Apples and Water

Today I started by making some homemade sugar free apple sauce, because my super hero's weakness is sugar. So we need to get our health back on track. I gotchu babe!! Then I moved onto something I had purchased a month or two ago, because we are always looking for good keto products (maybe we become keto testers?). My super hero's other weakness is cinnamon rolls. The girls loves them! The girl can't have them! So guess I'm learning to bake. 

I'm sure if I really wanted to I could come up with my own recipe for it, but I have to admit the using the Keto Bakes Cinnamon Rolls product was very convenient. Like a good budding keto blogger I took a picture of everything along the way. Instructions were very easy to follow and hey did you know that butter sticks and cream cheese bricks have measurements on them? That is so cool!!!!

The Starting Five

So I followed everything to the letter and even added my own twist. Instead of using regular water I used the water I cooked the apples in for my homemade apple sauce. The best part is I put my new headphones on and danced around and sang to good old classic rock radio on Apple Music. Yes I have come to grips with the fact that I am old. However I don't have to be a grumpy old man.

I dumped the ingredients in to the bowl and added the additional ingredients. I have now determined that I need a hand mixer, because mixing by hand isn't a lot of fun when you have a bad shoulder on one side and elbow tendinitis in the mixing hand. Not sure my super hero is going to be so happy having to keep buying all this stuff for me, but she is sure going to eat good and healthy. I too need to eat healthier, so I guess it's good that I am cooking the food now. 

Top of the pic is the cinnamon roll mix Keto Bakes sends, on the left is the icing package and on the right is the cinnamon package to make the filling. I add 2 tbs. of melted (should have been very soft) butter, 3 tbs. of Apple Water, 3 tbs. of Heavy Cream, 1 tbs. ACV and 3 eggs to the mix from Keto Bakes. Completely off topic (and I know it probably doesn't belong in this paragraph, but I'm not operating under profession grammar rules), but finding my Zen over these past 3 days has really made me think. In  my search of what's next for my life one of the things I a looking for is happiness in what I am doing. So when thinking about how at ease I seem to be when I am in the kitchen I recall that I actually have spent a large portion of my youth and young adult life working in restaurants. Maybe my son got his love for cooking from me, I just didn't know it. Or maybe seeing him do it rekindled it in me. Either way all I know is lately the kitchen now seems to be my happy place. Who knew??? Now trust me I know that singing and dancing in my kitchen is a whole lot different then cooking in a restaurant. I don't know it's something to think about... Anyway...

Once mixed the all the ingredients, I let sit for 5 or so minutes (forgot to set a timer). Then I placed the now keto cinnamon roll dough into a rectangle shape on a piece of Saran Wrap (using water to keep my hands wet so the dough wouldn't stick, I never knew that trick) and smeared the cinnamon mixture on to the dough. Now came the tough part and something I never in my life thought I would be doing. I used the Saran Wrap to slowly roll the dough so the the cinnamon filling is in a few layers of the roll. Again this is all completely new to me and I am learning as I go, but I feel the more I do it the better and more comfortable I will get. You can't tell from the picture, but the dough was to thick, so I didn't get as many swirls as I would have liked. Oh well I'll know for next time.

Get Your Minds Out Of The Gutter!

Once rolled it was time to cut the rolls into slices, another place I need improvement. So mixing, shaping, rolling and cutting all need work. Pretty much everything to do with cooking. Hahaha! It was supposed to make 9 rolls, I some how ended up with 12. Ooops! Then I placed it on a large baking tray with a sheet of parchment paper on it. I don't want my amazing creation to stick. Then it's into a preheated to 350 degrees oven for 23-26 minutes. I recommend checking on it at the 20 minute mark and keeping an eye on it from that point on. I feel they got a little to well done at the 24 minutes for my liking.

Before Icing

Overall I am very happy with how they came out and should my super hero wife like them I can say I will probably be buying them again. I even reached out to them about them offering an affiliate program. So there's that. I'm definitely going to be looking into finding my zen and  the kitchen being my new happy place. I'm curious to see how long it actually lasts. I know my pattern, I tend to start strong and then lose interest after a while. Like I did with learning to play guitar at the beginning of lock down. Until next time... I gotta say Today was a good day.

It's Gotta Get Better Right?

 Hey, so I couldn't let this horrific year end without doing a last post. But it's not going to the type of post you are expecting. Although every thing in me is screaming to exploded, I want to go into the new year on a positive note. I can use all the positive vibes (we all can use the positive vibes). So this post isn't going to be complaining about anything or ranting and raving. This post is going to be about accomplishments and learning.

So I had another follow up with the mental health laison. Who confirmed with me that I seem to be getting grasp on when I'm about to have an explosion. Of course she was a little worried about how low I sank Christmas Eve, but we both agreed that the medicine is still new, so it takes time for it to fully kick in. I did notice that in that past it would have taken me much longer to recover from such a low point. I mean we are talking days and days. So maybe the additional meds help me bounce back much quicker.

I still know that I need to speak to someone on a more regular basis, but you know how the world kind of shuts down during the holidays. Maybe more so this year as people are just pushed to their limits. I also know that I still need methods to release the frustration and/or anger. Obviously writing has become somewhat of an outlet. Unfortunately I never know when I am going to have something to say. I'm not trying to make it sound like I have some kind of super power, as not many people have ever read my ramblings (I do hope to change that). I've always had the talent to write, just never found the right mentor. 

I'm starting to wonder if that is why I am having trouble trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Deep down, I've always wanted to write, but I've never fit into any specific genre. My training is in Journalism, but I barely graduated and only took that major because I was advised by an Associate Producer of the morning show I worked for while in college. Funny how things change in college. Started Pre-Law, then changed to Journalism, but really wanted to work in radio. So much so that I worked at WMMR for free (not even college credit) for 2 years. I used to have to arrive at the station at 5 AM, 3 days a week. It was AWESOME!!!!!!  So by nature I am a creative person with a creative brain, with no real method.

2020, sucked!!!! So that brings us to 2021. I hope you all have a Happy, Healthy and Prosperous 2021. I hope you come back and stay with me on this journey. Until next year....

Blue Christmas

 Two more days, two more nights of very little sleep. Definitely starting to get the feeling that it does have a very strong correlation with my mood. I'm trying it with an app that a counselor recommended. Yesterday was bad and the night before was even worse. Drove off from home, while not being of right mind (something I take very seriously and am very disappointed in myself) and was contemplating some not so good things. Fortunately I do not and will not make a plan, so that's a great thing!!! Was nearly brought to tears on several occasions yesterday for no apparent reason and my instant anger over the most menial things. So there's still that...

That, however was not what I wanted this post to be about. While getting my super hero wife's chariot inspected by a Kenpo buddy's shop, he was doing me a huge favor of giving me a ride back to the car when it's done. Having not seen him in quite a while, ya know due to the pandemic and us both not training anymore, we get to catching up. Conversation turns to why I'm not driving and then my current battle with depression. Turns out I do a very good job of hiding it. Both him and his son (whom I also trained with) never knew I suffered from depression. In fact it was quite the opposite. He always viewed me as the large personality and even used the word "jolly". I guess if my beard was grey I could pass as Santa.

It just drove home the fact that you never do know who is quietly suffering. Depression is a silent killer and can effect any person, of any race, of any size. It doesn't matter who you are. So during this heightened stressful time maybe choose your words more carefully. You never know those words could be the straw that broke the camels back and pushes someone over the edge. I know I have to be especially aware of this, because in my current state of mind, harsh words seem to come out a lot, even if not meant. My brain is just in a dark place and I seem to want others there with me.

On the bright side we ended the night with watching a movie as a family, playing games and laughing up a storm, so I went to bed very happy and content and woke up in a ok mood. Definitely not as dark as yesterday, so that's good. Looking forward to another fun night with the family tonight. Have a good one and make sure you hug your loved ones. There are people out there who can't now because everyone believed a TV Personality turned Dictator. Sorry....

Stay Tuned

So before I go back and finish my Chicken Taco post over on StooBBQ.com, I wanted to share the other side of the cook, while it is fresh in my head. Yesterday was as stress free day as a day can get for me. Yes I am still having trouble staying a sleep. Hopefully this holiday weekend I can get some restful and rejuvenating sleep.

Anyway, I think the smoothness of the cook had a lot to do with making a plan for the cook. As you can see from the post mention above, I moved from one thing to another and never got behind or had to play catch up. When you start speeding up your process, mistakes get made. I'm really starting to enjoy the whole process of cooking a meal, start to finish. Yes that means I actually like cleaning up afterwards. Yesterday was the very first time in the 20 years of living in my house that the meal has been cleaned up directly after preparing the meal. I even pointed it out to my son, who is pretty much the king of making a mess in the kitchen. He's a big pain in the ass, but I love him anyway.

Maybe I am on to something. When I practiced martial arts, I always called the dojo my happy place. Didn't matter what I was doing, even if I was asked to do demo or a table, it didn't matter. I loved doing it! It all came down to that moment when a student got that look in there eye that they understood what you were teaching, It didn't matter how old they were, you could always tell when they "got it". The dojo was my other home and when it was abruptly taken away. Well, let's just leave it at that. 

So maybe my BBQ Pit and by extension my kitchen have become my happy place. Just instead of knowing when someone gets it, Now it's watching their reaction when they taste my food. I was good at martial arts. I worked at it a lot, even tried to make a career out of it. Sure I've sold a few plates here and there. I'm not kidding myself and thinking I am currently more than a backyard amateur chef. Currently...

Stay tuned...

Mr. Mom

And we're back. Hey so I've decided that I'm going to revive this blog and make it about my struggles with depression and mental health in general. Obviously StooBBQ provided and outlet, but it was never supposed to be about what it became.

So with that said, I am happy to report that I am talking to someone about my problems and my GP added on a medicine to my existing happy pill to help. So far so good. I do feel I need to speak with a specialist about my anger issues, because it scares me. Unfortunately because of my martial arts training having a quick temper is not the best thing to have right now. So that is part of my fear of leaving the house. I go to the store, and come home and that's about it. That can't be healthy, but I am doing what I feel keeps me and my family safe.

Obviously from my last post on StooBBQ I had an axe to grind, but I think it actually did me a favor. It kind of forced me to declare my purpose. I'm Hero Support and proud of it. My ego is not hurting because my wife is shining. On the contrary, my ego is starting to climb back up, because I know none of it would be possible if we didn't work together. I'm her cheer leader, editor and motivator. I'm the one who gets her a drink or something to eat when she is staring at the computer screen finishing a test.

So where do we go from here? Well I'm going to keep cooking away and sharing my food. I'm going to immerse myself in books and classes and learn all I can about the art of food. On StooBBQ I'll share what and how I'm making it. Hopefully adding a few sponsors along the way. Over here I'll share what I was feeling before, during and after cooking the meal. Some days I'll only post there and some I'll only post here.

Hopefully you find it all entertains or interesting enough to stick around.

I'm OK

 Was blogging alot, but it stopped. Hope it wasn’t because I found another outlet. Either way, I guess I felt like I had something to say. First I want to start with bragging on my super hero. This woman while working 50-60 hours a week (I know I’ve said that a lot) and still managed to achieve Valedictorian. To me that is just fricken amazing. 

You see what my former friend and fraternity brother (yes I’ve dropped another one) doesn’t understand is I am ok with being the support personnel. I don’t need to be the big bread winner. Calm me lazy and undriven? That’s ok. My ego doesn’t need that kind of fluffing, I guess his does. My wife could accomplish some amazing things if given the chance and if me holding down the fort at home allows her the peace of mind to do that, then the world benefits. Nothing wrong with that. Did I lose my job because of the pandemic? Yes, and because of my health both mental and physical I am afraid to go back to work. I am not ashamed to have been collecting unemployment since March, because I lost my job through no fault of my own. My businesses and I have paid more into the system over the years then I have taken. Besides it’s not like I’m replacing my income. With I was driving Uber and Lyft I was making between $800 and $1000 a week after expenses. On unemployment I’m getting $195 a week. So there’s that...

More importantly my wife and I are ok with the arrangement we have and that is all that matters. My amazing wife is giving me the opportunity to figure out what my true passions are. She is also allowing me the time to get well. In the past I’ve let a lot of people down. I don’t plan on making the same mistakes. In my new role at hero support I will not fail.

It's Getting Better All The Time

 So I thought I should check in, considering the outpouring of support I received from my last post. I am happy to say I am in the process of getting help. With that said, that was not the reason for my absence the last few days. I'm happy to report that my super hero wife has only her finals left before she achieves her bachelors degree in Healthcare Administration, all while working 50-60 hours a week as a nurse during a worldwide pandemic. My wife really is a Wonder Woman!! Which is the long and boastful way of saying that she needed the laptop we share, so I couldn't post. But I am OK!

Like I said I have reached out to my primary to get the help I need. I never had a follow up appointment after my heart attacks in February. So it's time I start! There is no shame in feeling what I am feeling, the key is getting help. A friend of mine said I need to stay busy, which totally makes since. So I'm cooking again on Thursday for a good cause. I'm always happiest when the smoke is rolling.

This Thursday December 10th I'm delivering food to the Plymouth Meeting, PA area again and anywhere in between on my way back to Huntingdon Valley, PA. For every meal I sell, I'll give away a meal. Take a look at Thursday's Menu and please order by Tuesday at 11:00 pm, so I have time to get the needed supplies.

Message, Call, Text or Email to place your order.

Taming The Explosions

 So I’m starting this post the night before, because my super hero wife just threw something at me that I have to take some time to digest, literally. So back in September, the wife and I decided to take back our health. For a while it worked, During the month of September I lost 15 pounds, October I gained back 2 pounds. I gave up in November.

If I remember correctly September and October were largely explosion free months.  As I have mentioned before for some reason the holiday's is always a tough time for me. Not sure why, it's not like I have some major event that scarred me. For some reason the last 10 years or so, from November on, the holiday's have always gotten really dark for me. Obviously this year is exacerbated by the current state of our country and world.

So the question I have, is the the more easily provoked explosions this caused by the change in my eating? Or is it just that as the main stream media and all medical professionals have been saying "we are in for a dark winter", some obviously darker than others. So if I think back to August 31st, 2020 I weighed in at 292 lbs. which in and of itself is pretty impressive considering when lockdown started in March I was over 300 lbs. In fact I just looked at my app and on June 19th, 2020 I weighed in at 299.4 lbs.

End of September 282 lbs., end of October 280 lbs. and frustration is setting in. The Halloween happens, and I have no will power so of course I sit and eat piece after piece of candy. See the pattern developing? Anyway, so what do I do with this new information is the question. I'm going to be realistic and make adjustments where I can, limit the high carb beer like I did in September. Find ways again to make food I like healthy. After all StooBBQ did start out as a KETO BBQ site where I was "sharing my journey", boy did that take a turn.

Maybe how I eat does affect my mood. The last couple of days have really been a struggle for me. Anger reaching unhealthy levels over absolutely non earth shattering things. All though I will say that today I prevented an explosion, so I'm learning to sense when they are coming, so today instead of exploding, I quickly put my mind on a task that I had yet to finish today and by the time I was done I had calmed down. No explosion, only tightness in the chest to show from this one. So I guess that's good?

Oh and for the record today's weight is: ???

Rough Night

 So I guess before we go any further I should probably tell you about what I think was the final push that opened the flood gates on having something to say. And yet today the words are not flowing so easily, so please bare with me. Yesterday really did a number on me, had another explosion before bed. I don't know why it bothers me so much that my teenagers living here are so inconsiderate? Super hero wife (who only has a week and a half left in school before obtaining her bachelors degree and finishing 1st or 2nd in her class, all while working 50-60 hours a week, sorry for the run on sentence) even said to me last night that I shouldn't. My reply? "I can't help it and I don't know why?"

On the positive side I woke up this morning to a very sweet text from one of my daughters. Letting me know that she reads my blog and she is proud of me. Love you P! Thank you!

OK, back to the original point of this post, Country Ever After a show on Netflix.

Now, if you known me lately then you know I have been into Country music that last 5-6 years. I've talked extensively about wanting to move somewhere I have lots of land around me. Really getting sick of people, hence the Anxiety I feel when I have to leave the house. I know there is a lot of that going on out there. Honk if ya here me?!?!? 

Anyway, if you are like me and have lots of time on your hands and are looking for a really feel good, funny kinda show, take a look at this one. It's about Coffey Anderson his wife, Criscilla and their family. On season one they talk about her battle with stage 3 colon cancer and his independent music career. I don't know what it was, but something just connected me with the show. I felt really good when watching it and always had a smile on my face.

I was kind of bummed out when we finished watching the show (in like 3 or 4 days). But was very happy to see that by the end she was officially in remission. My super hero wife being a two time cervical cancer survivor I know that euphoric feeling of being told you are cancer free. I'll never forget that day, it was both a happy and sad days for the Janoff's. On one hand we were told that she was cancer free, but on the other hand we were told that it would be nearly impossible for us to have anymore children. Fortunately, we learned the G-d had other plans, right P?

Unfortunately I have learned that Criscilla cancer has returned a month after the show last filmed. Granted, I know that some time had passed since the show last filmed and when in November the cencer remerged. So, as you can see when I like something I dive into it. I've discovered I liked the dude's music even though I could do with out the Jesus stuff. However in my never ending quest to better myself and in light of the massive intolerance that is going on in our country right now, I've decided that I have to be more accepting of others religious beliefs. What I do know is that the love they have for each other, their family, friends and fans is incredible and it is something that the world needs much more of. So thank you Coffey Anderson for sharing you life with me. You help an east coast jewish city boy more then you will ever know.

Always Learning

 Since, I've had quite a lot of free time during this pandemic I've had a lot of time to reflect on things. Sure losing friends both figuratively and actually has aided the process. Lord knows I have spent many nights lying awake wondering what the hell is going on? Why do so many people have to suffer? Why do I have to suffer? But then I think about my friends family and how they'll never seem him again. Or how his son will now grow up without a father. 

You see that's the thing with depression, it works like an avalanche. it starts off with just a thought and then two, then three. Next thing you know you are grasping for air because at that very moment millions of things are pushing you under. I have to fight to get a thought in my head. Nights can be pretty lonely when the avalanche comes.

Then you wake up and it's the next day. Not really sure what time I actually fell asleep, but I know I need to get moving. So I walk to the kitchen, see the mess, take a puff of Copper Chem, yell and scream for 30 mins., jam to Apple Hair Metal station, take another puff of Copper Chem and bang out the dishes. 1 hour later kitchen mess is gone and only remaining effect of outburst is how shitty I feel. 

Sure it's great that I get a lot of shit done. But the lingering effects on my health is what I am concerned about. I always end up feeling worn out. It's gotten to the point that it's like clock work, something small and not worth it, sets off the explosion. Maybe this is the daytime version of the avalanche at night. The good news is I have learned what gets me through the explosion, now if I could just learn how to muffle the explosion. Baby steps right?

OK, so as promised here are some pics from yesterday's smoke. Didn't come out nearly as good as normal, because I was out of something that I didn't know I was out of until it was to late. Family said it was good, but I think the were just being nice, and didn't want to set me off. It sucks that my family sometimes feels like they have to walk on egg shells. 

So, normally I would not have all of these chicken wings in one pan. However, pans were the things that were used and not replaced, so I made do with what I had. Then I coated in rub and put chunks of butter on top. I should have known things were going to be off when I didn't have my pans, but then on one of the coldest days I have smoked (only been doing it for 8 months) my smoker was hovering around 380-390. Which is way to hot, so instead of

smoking for 4 hours, it was done in 2. When my super hero wife got home from my daughters soccer practice I threw them in the air fryer to crisp them up for her. She seemed happy, so I'm happy. On the outside...

Inside I'm running through everything I did wrong, and how stupid I am, and how I can't even get chicken right, etc... Few hours later a not so big deal sets off another explosion and the cycle repeats itself. So my mission is to figure out how to stop the explosion. 

Thanks for reading.

I Officially Feel Old

So as I sat down to write today's post really having no idea where it was going, my super hero wife asked me to put music on. In the kind of mood I've been in due to recent events I have been listening to Classic Rock Radio on Apple iTunes a lot lately. Now when I think of Classic Rock, I think of Led Zeppelin, Eagles, Rolling Stones, Beatles, etc... Not Guns and Roses! So by my insane reasoning if Guns and Roses is considered Classic Rock, than I am officially old! F*CK!!!!

When the hell did this happen? Yes, I know I have been married for more than 20 years. Yes I know that the hair I had on the top of my head, has now moved to my face. And yes, I have seen the size of Axel Rose recently. But come on, it seems like it was just yesterday that they were running across the stage. 

So as I mentioned on Facebook, the wife wanted me to fire up the smoker this week. 

What can I say the girl loves my cooking. So as a good gentleman does, when my baby wants me to cook I cook. Got the wings and drums defrost/brining for a few hours, pull them out and dry them off. I'll then coat them in rub and throw'em in the smoker. Let'em eat smoke for 3-4 hours, pull them out at 165 degree and air fry them up to get them crispy. Speaking of which I need to go start my fire for my smoker while I get the chicken prepped. I'll include pics of what I'm doing and how it comes out. 

Like I said, I don't know where this blog is going, maybe it's just an outlet? Maybe it helps someone? Hopefully it helps me. I don't know if anyone is actually reading these ramblings. Well, that is not entirely true. I know my super hero wife reads them, because she said it helped her understand what I am going through a little bit more. To someone who doesn't have that eternal fight going on inside their head, they just can't know. So maybe me sharing my struggle does serve a purpose. With that said, it's time to go make some chicken.....So as I sat down to write today's post really having no idea where it was going, my super hero wife asked me to put music on. In the kind of mood I've been in due to recent events I have been listening to Classic Rock Radio on Apple iTunes a lot lately. Now when I think of Classic Rock, I think of Led Zeppelin, Eagles, Rolling Stones, Beatles, etc... Not Guns and Roses! So by my insane reasoning if Guns and Roses is considered Classic Rock, than I am officially old! F*CK!!!!

When the hell did this happen? Yes, I know I have been married for more than 20 years. Yes I know that the hair I had on the top of my head, has now moved to my face. And yes, I have seen the size of Axel Rose recently. But come on, it seems like it was just yesterday that they were running across the stage. 

So as I mentioned on Facebook, the wife wanted me to fire up the smoker this week. 

What can I say the girl loves my cooking. So as a good gentleman does, when my baby wants me to cook I cook. Got the wings and drums defrost/brining for a few hours, pull them out and dry them off. I'll then coat them in rub and throw'em in the smoker. Let'em eat smoke for 3-4 hours, pull them out at 165 degree and air fry them up to get them crispy. Speaking of which I need to go start my fire for my smoker while I get the chicken prepped. I'll include pics of what I'm doing and how it comes out. 

Like I said, I don't know where this blog is going, maybe it's just an outlet? Maybe it helps someone? Hopefully it helps me. I don't know if anyone is actually reading these ramblings. Well, that is not entirely true. I know my super hero wife reads them, because she said it helped her understand what I am going through a little bit more. To someone who doesn't have that eternal fight going on inside their head, they just can't know. So maybe me sharing my struggle does serve a purpose. With that said, it's time to go make some chicken.....

Depression Is A B*TCH!: Part 2

 OK, so that's better... Where was I good things, good things... Well yes so I did get a couple of good things from being locked in the house for 6 months. I got a second daughter and developed a love for BBQ and feeding people. I also turned out to be pretty good at it, still hate cleaning up from it, but that usually can be fixed by a couple of hits from the energy fairy (sativa) and blasting music. Usually, unless the darkness peaks his head out from under the covers (yeah I mean depression). 

Great Facebook Marketplace Buy!

But, as you can see from my earlier video ramblings mid pandemic, I really wasn't cut out for being in front of the camera.  I am better with my words, when I am not actually saying them. So I think we'll take a break from that for a while. No need for you to suffer right along with me. 

So where do we go from here? Right, right I'm trying to be positive and not be a grinch. Unfortunately the weather is starting to turn, so my BBQing days are numbered. I'm also sad and not ashamed to say that my unemployment is coming to an end, which partially paid for my daily rate on my car. It's a really long story and I don't want to get into that, I'm trying to be positive here. See there it goes again...

OK, positive, positive. So, I started this post after relaxing and listening to some music and smoking a bowl of Lime Skunk. So that I could write a positive post and that is what I am going to do. 

The other good thing that happened during the pandemic is that I got another daughter, who has brought so much excitement to our household. She is a little bit older then my 

actual daughter, so she brought the driving and car thing much faster than I was ready for. I did quickly learn that having a teenager in the house with her own car has its advantages. The number of errands I have to run has dropped dramatically. The best part is I get to experience Christmas for the first time. As a Jew this is very exciting. I've never had a Christmas tree in my house. Growing up I would go to my parents friends house to help decorate their tree, but I always felt like it wasn't fair that they got to celebrate both. Sure we did Chanukah decorations over the years for my kids so they did't feel left out, but it was never to the level of the neighborhood. Well, not anymore!! Hahaha, we reached out to our neighbors on our Facebook page and people stepped up and helped us decorate the outside (I'm addicted and adding more, stay tuned for more pics).

The best part is I got to spend Saturday night with my family decorating our family Christmas tree. My son's girlfriend came over and we had a great time being silly and learning how to decorate a tree. Oh, oh, and we even went to the tree lot and picked a big tree. I had to convince the family to go with the smaller tree and even that is a little big. But it is "fat and fluffy", so it fits me perfectly, apparently. So, good things right? Enjoy the pics and Happy Holidays! 

Depression Is A B*TCH!

 Hey, so like I said I have no clue where this blog is going to bare with me. 2020 has absolutely sent my world into turmoil, and for someone who was already suffering from depression and anxiety, well it has presented a whole new set or circumstances and responses.

2/7/2020 Gettyburgh, Pa. 

The week after my 20th Anniversary, in February I suffered a few minor heart attacks and then pretty much exactly a month later we went into a state wide lock down for the Covid-19 Pandemic. Honestly, thank g-d for legalized medicinal marijuana, not sure I'd still be here to write this. Ok, so if we are keeping score, we have depression and anxiety with a fresh case of high risk and pre-existing conditions. Like I said, I honestly think if it wasn't for medicinal marijuana, I wouldn't be here (but more about that another time).

I'm sure my story is very similar to many through out this country, or even the world. A middle aged man, suddenly having to figure out what he wants to do with the rest of his life. Give me a shout if you/re in the same boat.  Now where we may differ is I'm very fortunate to have an amazingly selfless wife who is a Nurse. She consistently puts the needs of others above her own health (even though I yell at her). So part of what I have discovered about myself is that I am ok with my wife being the main bread winner and being the support personnel. Fortunately, I have been given a great example of just that phenomenon with the election of out very first female Vice President. I don't want this post to turn into a political post, but let me just say Doug Emhoff is showing exactly what it means to be a  man backing an incredibly strong woman in Kamala Harris. I am extremely proud of what my wife does and what she has accomplished during the pandemic. I mean come on, finishing your bachelors degree (2nd in the class at the moment, but challenging for 1st) all while working and supporting a family!!! I am one lucky man!

4/5/2020 Lockdown Theme Dinner

So my 2020 hasn't really been to bad I guess right? Well, let's not forget I haven't worked since March, a second shut down is looming and the dreaded holiday season is upon us, This time of year is always very difficult on me with my depression. I don't know what it is? My family actually calls me a grinch. This year I'm fighting really hard. I don't know if you can tell from how I am typing, but I tensed up as I was writing this. Come on Stu, fight........ Well something good did also happen in February, my daughter's best friend has come to live with us and we have become her legal guardians. Not going to get into the personal stuff, those that know the story, know the story. Needless to say this girl has had a rough couple of years, so my wife and I decided to celebrate Christmas with her and combine the holidays. We normally celebrate Channukah.

Oh yeah, how could I forget the elephant in the room. Good old Covid-19, which whether directly or indirectly took 3 people from me so far, while having two very close friends currently in the hospital fighting the disease and their daughter at home fighting it as well. Top it all off with a big old dose of frustration because a large part of the population is not following the CDC guidelines (I understand they have flip flopped so many times that it is difficult to know who to trust.) and traveling all over the country, while I follow the rules and don't get to see my parents, my wife's family or my sister and her kids. So the numbers just go up and up and all I see is people worrying about themselves and not the common good. Gee, wonder where they get that from? I told you the struggle with depression is real. So far what you are seeing in this long rambling post (I promise there is a point in here somewhere) with what my brain deals with from the moment I open my eyes in the morning, which is usually much earlier then it needs to be (before my wife has to wake up).

Oh and let me just say I absolutely hate wearing a mask when I am out for several reasons. Even though I know it is necessary for the time being. No it is not an infringement on your rights! I should be allowed to go to the store the same as you. I should not have to worry about someone standing right on top of me. Come on, I'm a big guy! You can clearly see me!! Yet I see people out and about daily without a mask or wearing it improperly. Wear it, don't wear it, either way stay the f*ck away from me. Give this wide load the space he needs, Seriously?!?! Most of you are lucky, you get to wear a mask that goes over your ear, but no, not me!!! I have this "birth mark" on my ear, that every time I wear something over it, it gets aggravated and scabs. Yes, I've had it checked and they didn't seem concerned. I don't know what to say, anytime I wear a regular strap mask it aggravates it, so I wear a gaiter. But when I've been in the hospital wearing that, they give me a hard time and tell me they won't come in the same room as me. They even went as far to complain how rude I was (because I said I could not put on the mask they were requiring me to) to my wife after she left her job of taking care of her patient for 10 hours a day to relieve me when I was at the hospital with one of our daughters. How sad is that? Our nurses our stressed to the point that they bitch and complain about me a mask wearing man in the hospital ER with his 16 year old daughter, because his wife is working 10-12 hours a day 5-6 days a week. See what I did there, I'm not mad at the nurses. They are only doing there job under horribly streessful conditions. DAMN IT!!!! See that's not what I wanted this post to be, but the darkness took hold. Let me go smoke a bowl and calm down and see if I can get back on track. Stay tuned... The Beatles came on Pandora.....

We Could All Use A Good Laugh

 Hey Gang, Welcome back to my blog. Like I said before I'm not really sure where this is going, but it is an opportunity to express myself. Most of you don't know this, but I have a a degree in Journalism and I've never used it. However I have always loved to write. Honestly, I am so much better at it than speaking. So who knows, maybe this is the direction that StooBBQ, Booze & Brew was meant to go.

Anyway, today's video I was once again trying to figuring things out. Going forward (once I share all of my video), I will start creating more specific content. Also things will now be based from this page and shared to the others. I just tried watching the video and looking back it was kind of funny (yeah, I can laugh at myself). At the time the shit was hitting the fan (not like much has changed) and this was my form of stress relief. Just think if it wasn't for this, we wouldn't be here. So enjoy, and laugh away!! Stu

p.s. Anyone notice the beer pong table in the back ground. Classy I know right???

Just Call Me Stu

 Hey, welcome to my very first post. It's been a long time since I have done a blog, but I figure maybe it's time try again. Quick intro..... I'm Stu, I'm closer to 50 then I am 40, married to the love of my life for 20 plus years and have 4 mainly grown teens (think late teens, 2 boys, 2 girls). Like everyone else I had my life turned upside in 2020 and now find myself trying to figure out what the hell I am going to do with the rest of my life.

Fortunately, my amazing wife works, so we have decided to reverse our household roles. She is going to be the main bread winner and I am going to take care of the house and family. Good thing I figured out during the last 6 - 7 months I learned that I love to cook (outdoor cooking mainly) and that I am actually pretty good at it. I love the sounds and smells of a fire and it seems to keep me calm (which I'll explain more about later.)

Anyway, I'm going keep this post short. I promise I will go into more detail in my next post about the direction this blog is taking. Stick around...

Sorry about the video and it's length. If you watched it already then skip. I want to have content, so I'm going to share what I have already done and a little about it. I made this video quite a few months ago. Back then I was planning on doing a web series featuring local Distilleries, Breweries and Barbecue. Little did I know that things were definitely going to get worse before they got better (still waiting on the better). If you make it through the whole thing, thank you. I'd like to think I get better. #intro